Climb Out of the Hole

You cannot know sober until you know drunk.
You cannot know freedom until you know addiction.
I cannot know height until I know deep darkness.

Within me is nothing.
I search for something,
But always hope to never find anything.

Thus completing my search,
Finding something means I should have hope,
I should aspire to climb out of my hole.

I search.
I live in absence.
I'm comfortably numb.

When others look at me,
They see my shell,
And so few, see that living part,
In the center.

Some amuse me,
Others help me,
But all the time,
I'm there by myself.

Why don't I tell them?
Why don't I help them?

If I was alive, I'd open my eyes,
And see that my pathetic problems need to be put on hold, and everyone that I know, I need to help.

I found out that my sister died,
And all the wasted time I spent on myself.
I should have been closer,
But it's too late, it's too far gone.

Control

I have none.
I want it.
I have none.

I was better than you.
I was better than most.
But I ended up worst...

It controls me.
I feed and fall deep into despair.
It is my enemy.

I make no real effort to change,
Meaning I must be accepting of it.
At least on the outside, but deep inside, I loathe myself.

My world, my life has been arranged around it.
My friend, my family all are accepting of it.
Yet I wish I could never feel that again.

I have none.
I do not want any.
I do not want any of it.

I succumb to it.