An Ending?

I'm lost in life.
Passed up by the times, by all the people who care less.
I don't know when, but something got into my mind.
It was there, as it had always been.
I never looked at it this way, as I was now.
I put it over myself, just thinking.
I noticed it wasn't working, so I closed it off.
Almost immediately, I started feeling it, that little bit less that I needed. Every breath caused my thoughts to wonder if it would be my last.
I got scared, and started feeling weak,
I pulled it off quickly, and teared it to shreds, so I could no do it again.
I don't know what had come into my mind.
I didn't plan it, it was more of an instinct.
Now that I look back, it was fun, but the thought of trying it again, makes my breath go shallow, and my heart slow a little,
But, that's a part of my life, now.

The 3 Kinds of People

There are only three kinds of people in this world,
Those who live life,
And get laughed at.
Those who find the meaning of life,
And get to laugh.
Then there are the people like me,
Who think about everything,
And know the meaning of life,
But still get laughed at.

To Fly

There it stood.
All day.
All night.
There it was.
All day.
All Night.
No one cared.
It only brought about momentary happiness.
Always there.
All day,
All night.
But no one used it,
For its purpose it was created for.
Used for everything else but,
So it just sat there,
All day,
And most of the night.

What I Am To You

There I was, just standin' in the street,
The only movement is the sound of my breath,
I started walking and my shoes made some noise,
A car drove by, and made more sound,
I started singing a song I don't know,
All of the sudden it came crashing from the sky,
I lay in the street just looking around,
People gathered to just take a look,
I listen to the sounds of nothing going on.
Someone comes along and takes my wallet,
They see nothing in there, so they kick me,
I don't feel it because I am dead,
At least mentally, if not physically.
I'm just a shell to some, and just a mind to others.
What I am to you, depends on how we meet.

(You May Ask)

"What is it you have discovered?" you may ask.
--That there is one free life in this world -- but only one.

"Where is this life?" you may ask.
--It does not exist, yet.

"Why only one free life?" you may ask.
--That answer has not yet been given to me.

"Well find it out!" you may demand.
--I cannot be responsible for being merely human.

"Why do you make me think of things that you can't fully explain?" you may ask.
--That is not important now.

"Then what is important now?" you may ask.
--That you realize that there is only one free life, and it hasn't happened yet.

"But -- why?" you may ask.
--Yes, why?

"But -- I give up, it's impossible."
--No, only when I'm through, you'll understand.

"When will you be through?" you may ask.
--When you understand.

I shall never love another.
For after her,
There is no other.
She has to be the one.
But I can't have her.
She doesn't want me.
How many times can I hurt her,
And she forgive me,
Anbd we be together still?
Two, so far.
I'm praying for three.
I could (and have) forgive her --
For anything.
Why can't she?
Am I really the one for her?
I doubt it --
And I'm afraid,
So does she.

The Neverending Day

(Originally written September 6, 1995)

Before dawn I arise,
To the screams and yells of anger.
I am already wrong,
And a step behind the expected.

I eat with one hand.
I urinate with another into the same urinal.
No free time to think to myself,
I am told what to do -- and how and when.

Alone in flight,
I kill myself to survive,
No one but me but me,
And I shall be this way for awhile.

My family -- people I do not know,
Are all I have to help and hate me.

Tensions are high,
Morale is low.

But we what that every second that passes,
Is a second less of horror we have left.

Don't Forget

Someone help me please,
I am love in life,
What am I supposed to do?
Here waiting for you,
Someone help me please!
My life doesn't matter!
Why should I even bother?
Does it really matter?
I just want someone to help me please!
I have lived right here,
All of my full life,
No one has
Ever...
Cared... cared...
About me... me...
What do I have to do,
To get you and me,
Together helping
Me right here and now?
Does it mat-at-ter?
What I think about this world?
When the sun comes up,
In the West -- not the Easy,
And the moon comes down,
From the North -- to the South,
And gravity is reversed -- ... -- so what?
No one is still helping me. So,
That means life still sucks!
And that humans are dumb!
GOD is pityful!!
The DEVIL is in our mind! -- ... -- so what? --
If you take my heart,
Throw it on the ground,
Take away my life --
That will only mean,
That I have won,
And that I am right! --
But does it matter?
Does anyone really care? --
Even -- when they -- say they -- do,
They could -- be just lying. -- so what?
I'm still not being helped?
Did you forget my first request?
So soon? --
I am right,
No one has
Ever...
Cared...
About me...
Ever...
Or will -- ever...

Mind Over All

Is it wise to think about death?
Is it?
Would it be safe to assume that death is fake?
Would it?
Understanding things when we are too stupid to understand ourselves.
Pityful things tought with easy and subtraction.
Humans touch things with fear and curiosity.
Saying we're the "intelligent species" when we satisfy out need to survive and conquer.
Doing things only for stupidity, and eager, and willingness.
Why do we try?
Where do we think we have won?
When we we go for it all?
How do we feel we've won?
Only out mind causes trouble.
Without it, we've'll have peace.

It is

It's not ... or ...,
It's not good or bad,
It's not win or lose,
IT's not black or white,
It's not hot or cold,
It's not on or off,
It's not ... or ...,
It's not up or down,
It's not near or far,
It's not light or dark,
It's not forward or backward,
It's not strong or weak,
It's not ... or ...,
Because I'm wrong or right.

Dreamers

See, I'm a dreamer.
And dreams have made the world evolve,
Move forward, and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't say backwards.
I'm certain not saying that everyone should be a dreamer,
Because without the workaholics and such,
The dreamers wouldn't see their dreams come true.
But dreams have had a reputation,
Almost a stereotype, placed upon them,
That makes them outcasts.
It's not fair.
--No dreamer wants the responsibility.
--Nobody wants anything from a dreamer except their dreams.
--Nobody appreciates a dream like others.
So, when I say I'm a dreamer,
What does that mean?

For Her

I just kinda forgot about,
The way things used to be.
The time we've spent together,
The time we weren't alone.
The laughter,
The crying,
And I'm sorry.

Because I know that the time that we've had,
Will always be with us forever,
And the time we will be having,
Won't be like the time we've had,
Unless I remember.

Remember the thing I forgot about?
Did you forget about them too?
Because god knows,
My cat knows,
Even the whole world knows,
That I was made for you.

Even if we never see each other again,
I'll still have my memories.
Even if you forget all about me,
I'll never forget about you.

Autobiography

I was born.
I assume I had a fairly decent childhood.
Nothing peculiar sticks in my mind.
First memory was of an elevator ride,
My parents say I never took.
A dream perhaps?
I grew up ... went through the motions.
My family all passed away ... everyone of them.
I remember a movie I saw once in my life.
It was a good movie ... I only saw it once though.
I never really was rich or needed much,
Hardly kept a job longer than a year.
The boredom, or the monotony.
What I want to be remembered as is a human.
A person who was true, honest, and true.

Like the Moon

I sit all alone,
Every night,
Nobody to talk to,
Nobody to hold on to.

I just sit,
Looking out my window,
At the moon,
Washing it float across the sky.

I wish I didn't have to worry about love,
Like the moon,
Over the cloudy sky,
Don't have to worry about love,
Or fear, or danger,
Like the moon.

I call someone up,
They say goodbye,
I walk up to someone,
They walk away,
What is wrong with me?
What am I an outcast?
Where did I, go, wrong?

I just sit,
Looking out my window,
At the moon,
Washing it float across the sky.

I wish I didn't have to worry about love,
Like the moon,
Over the cloudy sky,
Don't have to worry about love,
Or fear, or danger,
Like the moon.

I go to sleep at night.
Wondering what tomorrow will bring,
Love, or rejection.
So I take out my box of Fruit Loops,
And put on a sad CD,
Every night it's just the same old routine.

I

Where did it all begin?
The world -- where?
I don't believe the 'big bang' theory;
And I don't believe in organized religion.
So I'm left with my own reasons;
I need to find it for myself.

It is amazing how everyone has parents.
Yet we realize that someone, someone didn't have parents.
I think that we evolved through dimensions,
But if that was true, what happened before the first dimension?

IV

I've figured the five essential things in life.
The first is that life is short (a cliche),
And you must seize the day (another cliche).
Although they are cliches, they are true.

The second is that everything is special.
Even two species of the same kind -- like two daisies --
Are unique, and special.
Everything has its own special quality, and
Must be appreciated for that.

(One should stop here and ponder the previous two before continuing.)
The third is that all necessities are really needs.
Food is not a necessity, it is a need,
Air
Water
Earth
Sun.

The fourth is time.
I know I already said life is short,
But I mean time as a difference from what it was,
Time is considered now as an enemy -- a friend also -- but mostly an enemy.

The last thing -- you may not understand this --
Is something I have forgotten. You may
Think that I never knew it at all.
But I did! I even wrote it down -- only,
I can't read my writing and my memory is poor.

V

I feel like I've detrayed the human race today.
Not in anyway physical, or noticable,
But I still have.

XIII

I have a most embarrassing day the other day.
I just wish I was a flower.
I wish I was a can.
I wish I was an M&M,
Or maybe, a cactus by the sea.

The reason I want to be these things,
Is that they aren't human,
And they don't have to deal with,
The pain and suffering -- embarrassing.

XVI

You care for him so much.
You wish your could make him better.
You wish you could fix his problems,
Instead of tormenting him.

But you can't.

And you must keep him outside all the time,
Area from you -- and love.
You hardly see him.
You hardly miss him -- but you still care.

You miss him rubbing himself against your leg,
To try and coax you into petting him.
All you ever heav -- is that lonely cry,
Saying "Let me in."

The that one fateful day, you look out the window,
And see him walking down the driveway.
You see him stager and think to yourself:
"Probably just a wobble or something."

Then you see him fall.
Your heart flutters while thinking:
"He probably just fell to lie in the sun,"
But he doesn't get up, and he doesn't move.

You run outside and touch him; he's dead.
You look up to the sky, and think to yourself:
"Why? I know he had to go, but why?"
And then you know why -- and see him walk by.

After The End

There I was,
Just me and the stars,
Although we were a million miles apart,
I thought I was right there with one.
I looked around, and vividly saw all,
Every single one, of my memories.
I looked up,
To see blackness,
With red and blue lights.
I looked down, to not see the ground,
But moreover to see where I had been,
Earth.
I suddenly, well, almost suddenly,
God scared.
I walked. Not forward,
Backwards,
Or to the side,
But nowhere.
As I walked, I met people,
They introduced themselves,
And I myself.
They just laughed,
And walked on.
After this happening several times,
I ran.
I was running up,
Yet I was still standing.
Then, there was my long lost friend.
I started talking to him,
Yet he knew for who not I was.
As I introduced myself,
He vanished.
I looked up again, to see the lights,
But they were not there.
I looked down, to see the grass,
Where I had left Earth from.
I looked at myself,
And I was different.
Then, I slowly,
Ever so slowly,
Fell over.
As the bullet went through my brain,
Causing massive damage,
I saw the blue and red lights again,
And all my memories.

There

There I stand,
Corrected or right,
In the middle of that street.
People walking on the sidewalks,
Glancing at me with both curiosity and confusion,
Cars merely flashing as they rush by.
I look up to see a moon and not a sun.
I lower my head to see a car, and then nothing.
I open my eyes to see myself.
I'm still standing in the middle of that street.
Nowhere is where I was, now I'm somewhere.

As I Sit

As I sit,
Feeling the music wash over my body,
Thinking for the impossible wish,
Having the world go on without me,

I feel sorrow,
For the things I have done.

I don't regret them anymore,
For I have learned through my deeds,
And shall be a better person for that,
But I wish I had done the things I choose not to,

For there lies all the glory of life,
That I have missed unknowingly.

TIME has sometimes choose for me
For through my indecisiveness,
I stagnated without decision,
And time elapsed for a choice to be made,

So I am left with my thoughts about life,
As I sit.

Purpose

Life is hard,
I am weak.

I've done nothing,
And succeeded.
I do something,
And fail.

I thought for the first time,
That my life's purpose was over;
I had accomplished what I was put here to do,
Whatever it was.

But I shall not kill myself,
If God wants me dead,
He will have to kill me himself,
And take the blood on His hands.

I have no purpose,
And one cannot create one.
So I shall die at the end,
Having spend the majority of my life seeking what I've wanted.

You will die also,
But having spent your life doing what God wanted you to.

When exactly does life begin?
I still wait for mine thus.

He embarked on His journey,
And we are here not to decipher it.

I am human, hear me roar!
I see the birds don't chirp anymore.

The Second Path

I have two paths to choose from,
And I must travel before I can reach the split.
But either path leads back to the other,
And the end of my journey shall be in the same place.

Although the uphill on the left is in the beginning,
And the right is near the end before they rejoin,
It makes little difference in my choice,
And they both never seem to go downhill.

And I see the paths that over have taken before,
Now meet and rejoin the mainstream path I took,
But I see everyone else in the same boat as me,
Staying on the river, as I jump ashore and create my way.

Sometimes the senic route is less picturesque than the highway,
But the rewards are greater, and so is the challenge.
But my friends are all along the river, and in the
Mountainous shore, friends are hard to find.

I

I want happiness.
I tell you my thoughts, hopes, and ideas;
I contribute to the world;
Nothing is returned to me.

Maybe I need to stop saying I,
For the I can only see one thing,
And sometimes I do not see at all,
But I need not I's to learn.

If the world equals out,
Repaying good with bad and both ways,
I should be King of the World,
But the leaves still fall on my grave without grass.

I do not wish to die,
I am not in my grave yet,
But I keep saying I,
I will never say I anymore -- will I?

People Do

Love doesn't hurt. People do.
Guns don't kill. People do.
Happiness doesn't create joy. People do.

Depression doesn't mean sadness. People are.
Earth isn't a place. People are.
Death isn't alive. People are.

Memories don't exist. People do.
Ideas create ideas. People do.
Ends don't end. People do.

The Search

I'm tired of being hurt.
I thought I had found someone,
Maybe not the right one,
But someone nonetheless.

'So what the hell' I say,
And I took the risk.
But it seems like I fell too hard,
And then she let me fall farther.

I don't blame her,
She has her rights to her wishes,
But I feel led on, tricked,
And everyone watched me to laugh.

The feelings I gave she gave back,
But I don't want to be just friends;
I have more than I need --
So why can't I have someone for awhile?

I know there's nothing wrong with me,
But maybe that's the problem.
I know it'll happen someday,
But I would like something in the meanwhile.

I will, you will, we shall, be together, forever.
I've tried, you've tried, we tried to make it more than it was.
I saw, you saw ... each other and fell in love...
I know, you know, that we were make for each other.

Carry Your Heart In Your Hands

There are no thoughts.
My mind is empty.
You could not possibly understand.

There are no feelings.
I don't have a gift.
People who say I'm good don't know.

There are no second chances.
Life waits for no one.
Only partially good at everything.

Wasted effects of my life,
Half-remembered memories.
Sorrowness enters my soul.

"Look for what's missing," said the police officer.
Damaged hearts and security.
Moody without action.

There are no other lifeforms.
I resist my life,
Mostly empty plates and glasses.

Tools of no help,
Provoked wastefulness of ability,
No, I will never get to hold her.

Strike Two

I used to say:
"If you try you succeed."
Well I tried,
And I got so hurt,

I don't deserve anything,
But something would be nice.
Damnit! Why wasn't I warned?
I think two heart-breaks in a life is too much.

I set myself up for the fall,
And I have no one to blame but myself --
But Damnit! It could have worked,
But she's not willing to try.